parenting ain't for sissies

DISCLAIMER: Due to the sensitive nature of this post, I want to make it clear that I do have permission to post this.The party involved had to think about it for 24 hours but she agreed.  Just so ya' know. I'm glad she agreed, 'cause I think it's an important part of our family history!  i.e., first dates, parental fails, etc.

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Let's talk about Rachel shall we? She is adorable and funny and beautiful and an all around great girl. Turns out, I'm not the only one who thinks this. There happens to be a young man in our ward/neighborhood who thinks the same thing!

We've lived here for just over four years and they've sort of been goo-goo-eyeing each other off and on for the whole time, meaning sometimes they goo-goo-eye, and sometimes they completely ignore each other. He's Rachel's age, but friends with our boys and spends a lot of time at our house.  Which is convenient for lots of reasons, don't you think?! Let's refer to him as T for our post, shall we?

Last summer an invitation was extended to "go to the movies" with T and his good friend J. Rachel had two cousins here visiting so they eventually were included in the invite. But then it became clear that there wasn't enough room in T's car for three girls. So I ended up taking the girls to the movie and dropping them off. The girls bought their own tickets and once inside the movie, Rachel ended up sitting by the other boy, J, not by T.

So, in Rachel's mind, this was NOT a date. She stated, "he didn't drive, he didn't pay AND he didn't even sit by me!"  I would agree with her assessment.

However, later on we heard through the grapevine, that T was telling people that he had been on a date to the movies with Rachel. Despite this, she was still not swayed in her opinion that the outing to the movies was not a date.

Since then, there have been casual invites to go to Stake Dances (with a group) and an invite to go bowling which didn't pan out because we went out of town. A few months ago, Rachel, her best friend B and T all went out to eat to console themselves for all getting cut from their respective basketball teams. Casual group outings that were fine with me.

Last Thursday was Rachel's 17th birthday. It also happened that she was going to leave that same afternoon for a couple of days for a stake Laurel retreat at Aspen Grove. A few days before her birthday she asked me if we had any plans for Wednesday night. We didn't, so she informed me that T wanted to take her out for a birthday-eve dinner along with his friend J and her friend B. A good "For the Strength of Youth" approved group date.

A teensy bit of confusion came up the next day when Rachel informed me that, in fact, T had invited both B and J, and said he would drive and pay. So was it a date? Were B and J on a date too? Or was it just a birthday eve get together? We didn't really know.

It occurred to me the morning of the "date" to talk to Rachel about proper dating etiquette, but she was at school. I decided to talk to her when she got home, but then she ran straight to work and I forgot.......This is where the trouble began. We clearly needed to have a talk with her about dating expectation and rules, but it didn't occur to us until about 5:25, and he was picking her up at 5:30. In our defense, she is our first child and sometimes still, we encounter situations that we are not adequately prepared for, so we mess up.

Stick said something about, "remember he needs to open the car door for you, and if he doesn't, just wait there until he does." She looked at him like he was speaking Martian. I followed up with, "He is coming to the (house) door right?" Again with the Martian talk.  Clearly these were ideas that she had never heard of EVER. (parent fail.)  And she was not amused. "What? No! He's just going to text me and I'm going to run out to the car" she replied.

"Uh, no you are not," we countered. "He needs to come to the door. That's what you do in dating. It's the ONLY option."

Just to be clear here, Rachel is the calmest, coolest, most level headed teenage girl I have ever known. She's not hormonal and crazily emotional like the average girl. But this predicament was not amusing her, at all.

Then he came and texted her from the driveway (uh, what the what? teenagers these days!). And we told her she couldn't go out.

"This isn't a date!" she (starting to get a bit frantic) replied, "Why does he have to come to the door!?!?" (Nothing like being a hostage in your own home to test your emotional stamina.)

"It IS a date" I said, "He invited you, he's driving, he's paying. By your own definition, it's a date and he needs to come to the door."

Insert: eye rolling and sighing and agitation.

"But he also invited B and J! It's a group thing."

"Nevertheless, group thing or date, HE NEEDS TO COME TO THE DOOR. He and anyone else that ever comes, needs to understand this. You need to insist on it. And if you need to, you can blame it on us, your crazy parents."

By then, some time had passed and they (T, B, and J) were all still sitting in the driveway waiting for her to come out. In fact, 15 minutes passed while we were inside discussing it and telling her, "If he doesn't come to the door, you can't go out."

Let's just think about that fact. FIFTEEN MINUTES and not one of the teenagers came to the door.

Finally Harry and Bekah ran outside and told T, "My mom and dad won't let Rachel leave until you come to the door!"

Poor, poor supremely embarrassed Rachel.

At this same time, Rachel texted B and told her to tell T to COME TO THE DOOR already.

So he did, and they were off.  They had a fun date (group outing?) She came home very happy and I think she forgives us. She did, ahem, forget to make him open the car door for her, but due to the chaos of the situation, I guess she can work on that next time. (Right, sweetie?!?!?!)

Rachel told me that when they got back from dinner, she told him, "Well, you better walk me back to the door or my parents might not let me in the house."

I've been laughing about it ever since.

Whew, crisis over.  And I'm betting that next time we won't have a crisis, because T knows what is expected. And if anyone else asks her out she will have time to warn them about her crazy parents.

Why did he not already know this? Good question. I don't know the answer, but I'm speculating the same thing happened to him as happened to Rachel, he's the oldest and it probably didn't occur to his parents to discuss it.  Maybe in his mind, or his parents mind, it wasn't a date, just an outing. But now he knows, outing/date/whatever--if he invites her, he comes to the door. Period. Texting from the driveway=not acceptable.

Just to add the cherry on top of the whole situation, when she was at Laurel Retreat they had a couple of RMs come talk to the girls. The topic of dating came up and the fact that the girls should always expect the young men to open doors, etc.

Now who's the crazy parents, huh?!?!?!?

It was a good learning experience for us all, including our boys who watched the whole situation unfold with fascination. I guarantee that they will never sit in a driveway and text for a girl to come out of her house.

Parenthood is awesome.

6 Comments

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Good for you for enforcing some actual human interaction on this date/outing. And bless Rachel's heart for being the experimental first child, paving the way for the younger ones. :)

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that is hilarious!!!! M. was reading this as well and smiling!!!! Thanks for 'sharing' Rachel!!!!

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You've got it totally right. Dumb boys.

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I am definitely having Danielle read this. We brought up the whole thing about letting the boys open the doors awhile back and she about died.

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I loved this!

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It is sad when kids communication is through text...ONLY. I feel your pain Rachel, but I agree with the parents. It's respectful. :)

Aunt Lupe'

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